I FUCKING HATE WAL*MART!!


Now that we got that out of the way, I'll tell you why. I so wish there was some noble GeoSocioPolitical reason.

There's not.

It has nothing to do with how they treat their employees. Yeah, I'm certain it blows rotting goat dick to work there. There's a lot worse jobs for worse pay out there, I assure you. I've worked a couple of them. WalMart would've been a few steps up from what I've done for a paycheck. WalMart employs some people that just could not work anywhere else. This is benevolent. They have systematically made it so easy to mindlessly work for them, nearly every warm body can do it. I applaud that effort.

WalMart is accessible and convenient in todays 24/7 society. It's comforting to know that if I run out of rifle shells AND shit-paper at 3am, WalMart has my back. There are other 24 hour locations, but none with such a varying degree of goods. This has its drawbacks, however. If you choose to shop at 3am when the store is 20% less suck than normal, they will punish you by closing large portions of the store to clean the floors. You will feel like a rat in a maze. Sorry. Shop during peak hours or feel the wrath of the Floor Lords.

WalMarts give money hand over fist to educational institutions. It's true. But it's kinda like they're buying good press. Oh well, it's a mean to an end.

WalMart, for being such an ENORMOUS company, is fairly environmentally conscious. They have box recycling within the logistics of their shipping and supplying. They carry many "green" and organic products. They almost always offer recycling facilities onsite for customer use. Frankly, WalMart may be the only source of environmentally friendly education that some of their customers will ever get. Chalk this one up as a win.

I hate them because when I'm there I loathe myself and all of humanity. I want the entire planet to burn to ash the moment I walk through the doors. This temple of convenience and indulgence brings out every terrible, disgusting demon that us as homo sapiens have to offer. From the assholes in the parking lot to the degrading experience that is checking out, the store is a pox on the world.

I stopped shopping there when I realized that, while within WalMart's confines, I treat my family different. I am shorter. Quicker to anger. I realized that I was compromising on goods that I normally buy because WalMart no longer carries them. I was settling for inferior, chemical grade foods because that's what WalMart says we should be eating. I was buying clothing that I normally wouldn't wear and I looked like EVERYONE ELSE because we all fucking shop at WalMart. WalMart, at one time, was great. It was a manifestation of freedom. I could buy that paintball gun at midnight with the intent to get drunk and shoot up some poor asshole's garbage cans. Somewhere along the way, they did some dark sorcery and turned that freedom into chains. People believe that they must shop there. That it's normal to feel that way. To compromise your integrity of goods and the quality of food. I get dirty looks when I say things like, "I wouldn't know. I haven't been to WalMart in months".

Look. I'm not calling anyone out as a bad person because they shop there. Just ask yourself when the last time you were truly happy standing in the infinitely long checkout to buy a bunch of shit you really don't need or want. I'm probably preaching to the choir here. I know that. So I ask the handful of readers that I have a favor. If you enjoyed this post and agree with me, pass it along. Send it to someone you know who is a WalMart regular. I can take the hate mail. I promise.

I don't want to shut down one of the single most powerful economic forces in our country. I just want them, and their customers, to give a fuck about each other.